Visualeyes

               A Purpose Changed


 I have always felt that I had a calling. It's name was teaching, for many years, but in truth, it really is more than just educating kids, it's about helping others.

I never gave a second thought to a request from someone for a ride to the doctor or a store. If someone needed help in moving, I gladly filled the back seat and trunk and carried boxes.

But now that darn sight has gotten worse and I've had to give up driving. And while I still offer to help, people usually say "Oh so kind of you to offer, but I'm fine" or "No thanks, I've got it covered" and what they're really saying is how can you help me when you don't drive?

I must tell you, that hurts. I'm still the same person. Yes, I've learned to be more resourceful for myself in getting around. However, it doesn't seem fair to take away my 'Good Samaritan wings'. 

I've been missing helping others during this past year of non-driverhood. I think that's why I offered to restart the 'Neighborhood Watch Program'  in my condo community.

Then an opportunity presented itself to me this past week. And although the timing isn't ideal (since I'm preparing for my writers' workshop at Chautauqu), it felt right. So I took on the challenge. I offered my home and myself to a friend for her week's convalescence following surgery. We have some logistics to work out but I know it will work out fine.

And the space in my soul that was feeling kind of empty, you know the part that fills up when you think of others instead of yourself? It's feeling more full.

I like feeling that way.                                        

Visualeyes

Quite an invigorating week! That's the nice way of saying man it was a crazy week, but great!

I've been working on my cane mobility lessons on Tuesdays and ever since the first lesson when I tried using a blindfold and emotionally freaked out, I've been just walking with my eyes closed. Now being the survivalist,(or is it survivorist ) that I am, I expected to constantly be opening my eyes to check that I wasn't going to fall off a curb or veer out into a street. But NO!!!! I can keep the eyes closed and be comfortable with that. Of course, I know my instructor is there and she won't let me fall off that curb or walk into that street.

We decided to move ahead on my Goals-To-Accomplish  list and try walking to the bus stop, getting on a bus to the MARTA (transit) station, picking up a different bus home, and walking back via an unfamiliar portion of the sidewalk. Even though I suggested doing this, I was quaking in my shoes thinking about actually doing it.

First segment went great- eyes closed, found the curbs, but my internal GPS was a little wonky and I kept thinking I was headed toward the sidewalk while I wasactually walking into the grassy area. I must have looked like a real spaz because my instructor asked me to try the curb/sidewalk again to get the direction thing going. Once I realized I wasn't checking for the whole sidewalk with the cane, and I need to, the spazzy walker disappeared. :-)

I decided the bus segment need to be open-eyed so I knew when to exit and where to look for the next bus. That went well, but I did notice a couple people looking at me. I think they were trying to tell if I was totally blind, partially sighted, or goofing on them (which some people think when they find out you actually can see some things).

The walk back on the unfamiliar sidewalk was a little nerve- wracking since I didn't know when I'd run into a broken up sidewalk or a section with a height difference. Made it though, and as I found the stairs leading to my home, I realized something. I was damn proud of myself! No hyperventilating on my first public outing with a cane. Not as embarrassing as I thought it would be, and actually, some helpful people, like the bus driver who asked if I needed any help getting off the bus and letting me know where the bus was positioned in relation to the entrance to the MARTA station. Tuesday, I was the Little Train That Could! ( if you're not old enough to have grown up reading that children's book, look it up!)

Thursday AM, I met with the Director of Public Works for the city of Dunwoody (my town). Long story short, I had placed a repair ticket on the city government's page requesting the sidewalks to be fixed on the corridor I walk to and from the bus. I explained the vision loss thing and the cane thing. I decided to send the request as an email to all the City Council members as well, along with attached photos of the offending cement. One member responded and he connected me with the Public Works Director. Although I'm not using a cane full time yet, I took the cane with me to practice using it and to show him exactly how cracks, broken cement, and differences in height could effect a visually impaired person. By the time we were halfway through the walk, he said his eyes had been opened to the danger of the sidewalks. This is what I had hoped. Asking him to evaluate them on his own, wouldn't let him view it from my perspective. Walking with me, would. In fairness, I should disclose that my original request for repairs had been in November '09 and basically there was no response. So in this email/request, I mentioned that if I didn't receive a definitive time frame for when the repairs could be done, I was going to the news media. I pointed out that as a new city, it probably wouldn't look good to have the needs of a "disabled resident" being ignored, andit might be a human interest story to the TV consumer reporter or the local newspaper editor. Did that have something to do with me being contacted by a council member? Could be. Did I use my vision loss to my advantage? You betcha.  And so far, it's working. The Council meets tomorrow night to discuss this and other issues. I asked the PW Director and the councilman to keep me in the loop. We'll see. And while I applauded their efforts, I made it clear that this was not an issue to drop. I'm a determined woman, and I don't give up easily!

 

Visualeyes 7

There are 10 days left. This is a deadline I could live without. In 10 days, my sweet, white Corolla will belong to someone else. Hey! I see you out there rolling your eyes like this is no big deal.  And truthfully, I thought I had "conquered" this and moved past it. Until yesterday....

Yesterday I took the baby in for her last "checkup", commonly called the 70,000 mile checkup. (Well actually they did the 80,000 mile checkup because it checks more things-not to mention costs more.) Since I'm selling my car to friends, I wanted to be sure it was in good shape. Nothing puts a major chasm in a friendship faster than a car that expires suddenly on the highway! I wanted all the belts, fluids,  doodahs and thing-a-ma-bobs checked (as you can see I have a grasp of the technical aspects of cars), and don't forget the tires. Turns out the serpentine belt had cracks (there goes $150) and needed to be replaced. One of the tires- still under warranty- had a nail in it and had to be replaced (of course I had to pay for the labor of putting the new one on, geez), and the windshield wipers were getting floppy and needed to be replaced. With replacement of the oil, balancing and rotating the tires, a suggested, but declined, alignment and $300, I got my baby back. (See it cost just like a checkup at the doctor!) There were also notes to flush the brake fluid line and something else I've blanked out. A call to my friends reassured me that they would take care of the alignment, flushing and the whatever.

So my conscience is clear. I'm handing over a car in good shape. But the reality has finally sunk in that in 10 days I will be using the bus and subway as my  mode of transportation  FOREVER. Sure I have some wonderful friends who offer rides. And there are rides to be had for money as well. It's just the finality in that word forever. Knowing that I will never go from point A to point B on my own again, unless it's by walking, comes with some sadness. Yes, I know the world will be a safer place without me behind the wheel of an automobile, but this is not about knowing, this is about feeling. And it just feels sad. I'm not angry anymore, just melancholy.

I know this will pass and I'll get to a place where I can relish and appreciate the challenge of planning my day around a timetable of buses and trains and walking segments. (Hmmmm, sounds kind of similar to planning a day of teaching around lunch, Music, recess, and bus schedule.) But right now, it just feels sad. It's like having a good friend who's lived in your town for years and suddenly tells you she's moving out of town in a month. Once you get over the shock of it, you try to act as if everything is the same; doing the same things together, spending time together. Until you get to the last week.  Visits become more poignant, a voice in your head says, "this is the last time you'll do blah-blah together" and you never want it to end but know that it must. And you start to feel sad, even though you know you'll see each other again. It's adjusting to a different normal, a new normal. You will because you have to.

I will adjust to being a non-driver because I have to. But for now, it's just sad and I am dealing with that sadness respectfully and with dignity....and kleenex!